The Day the Blancmange Crumbled
by vulgar shudder
Summary: Heero has something very important to tell Relena, and she thinks she knows what it is. Now with bonus sequel 'Attack of the Killer Blancmange'! Humor, expect the unexpected.
1. The Day the Blancmange Crumbled

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Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam or any of it's characters. If I did I wouldn't be writing this, I'd laughing rolling in a pile of money and Gundam merchandise.

Notes: I wrote this cos I should be finishing my other fic 'Two Flew Over the Gundam Nest', but I wrote a load of it at college, emailed it to myself at home, but it hasn't arrived ^_^;. So I can't write any more until I get a hold of that part at college. Sorry people! But please read and review this fic.

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The Day the Blancmange Crumbled.

By

FreeThinker

Heero and Relena walked through the park, the sun was starting to set and the sky was full of reds and purples. Relena grinned to herself, Heero had sent an email, saying he wanted to tell her something very important, and Relena thought she knew what it was.

When she heard about this little stroll through the park, she had spent the next 6 hours getting ready. She had her beauticians and stylist working, and her dresser had carefully put on every petty-coat and tied every bow of her pink dress. Relena had been 'fashionably late' at the meeting time, after all it what was expected of a girl and she was sure that the irritation Heero had put on was only to be cute. 

The pink ribbon in her hair rustled as she glanced over at the man accompanying her, 'oh Heero' she thought to herself, 'you look as annoyed as you usually do, you just need a woman's touch to show how you truly feel'. 

Her mind started thinking about the wedding plans, 'We'll have it in cathedral near the Peacecraft family home. There will be pink ribbon all the way up the aisle, and pink roses strewn where I am to step. I'll have 6 bridesmaids, and Heero will look so handsome in a suit' she wrinkled her nose, 'and not in those scruffy spandex'.

Relena sighed and took in the sun set. It was such a perfect evening; Heero must have been planning this for weeks, to get the mood just right. It was just like in the shoujo-mangas she spent the days reading.

All of a sudden Heero stopped, he had been silent the entire walk, and now he looked as if he was trying to say something. 'Oh yes my love' Relena pleaded 'let your beautiful words flow my turtle dove'.

"Relena…" Heero nervously started. "I have something to say."

The pink Jell-O held it's breath.

"You see…I…" And that was as far as he got, before the girl flung her arms around him, tears brimming in her eyes.

"I know Heero, I feel it too! It's okay to have feelings! We can soon be together and have lots of babies!"

Heero looked like a rabbit caught in head lights, his mouth wide open "B-but Relena…"

"Yes my darling." She said her grip getting painfully tight on his arms, "I love you too." Before the poor lad knew what was happening, she leaned in and kissed his lips.

The action caused Heero to push the pink mass of ribbons away. "No Relena, I've come here to tell you…I 'prefer the company of men'…"

The blancmange quivered before starting, "Of course you do, what man doesn't like to have his drinking buddies and such…why Milliardo always has his guy friends around, sometimes they even spend the night!"

Heero frowned trying to get his message across, "No, Relena, I'm gay."

The smile was still across the dolled up face "Everyone at the Sank Kingdom is bright and cheerful too, you'll fit right in! Why, who isn't a little bit of a fruit…"

Heero gripped her arms, frustration getting the better of him. "Relena, I am a HO-MO…" he was shaking her with each syllable to make sure it was sinking in, "…SEX-U-AL."

The wad of bubble-gum went completely still, it only mouthing silently the last word that had been said to it. Then she quivered, her bottom lip trembling.

Then there was a flash, and they both looked over to a bush. A figure clothed in a black priest's outfit tumbled out, it was Duo, and he was holding a telescope-lensed camera.

"Hey sweet cheeks!" Duo grinned and shouted while waving to them, "I got the exact moment her heart broke!"

Heero turned to him and put his hands on his hips, "Now Duo, that was just mean."

"Oh please," Duo said, waving it off with a flick of his wrist, "She's been stalking you for years! When ever we get down to some hot luvin' it's always 'Oh Duo, do you think she's bugged the place again' and I just wanted to take a Kodak moment for when she finally learnt the truth."

"Do you think her expression was that good?" Heero enquired his head tilting slightly.

"Oh you bet your hot little ass," Duo patted the camera, "This one's going into the special photo album."

Relena watched the exchange, her brow furrowed and her lip continued to tremble. "Y-you two? Together?"

"Oh Relena," Duo started, flicking his hair over his shoulder, "He's been out of the closet since forever, you've only been too dumb to notice."

"But you've always loved me Heero."

"For god's sake, no I haven't! What more do I need to do!" Heero slapped his hand to his forehead "Do you want a demonstration or something?"

"Heeero, say it isn't true? This is all a test to prove my love?"

"That's it!" Heero cried, waving his arms about and then pointing to his lover, "Duo, get your clothes off!"

The braided pilot grinned, and started to undo his black belt buckle.

"Nooo!" Relena screeched. "I-I think I understand." She turned to leave, thinking that by doing so she would be holding onto some dignity (although she was wrong). But her tone turned bitter as she shot over her shoulder "I've always thought Trowa is pretty cute anyway." With that she ran down the park path...

Duo still had his hand on his belt, as he watched the pink candy run away…far far away…

The annoyance gone, Heero turned his attention to his partner, and pushed him up a tree letting a passionate kiss develop. Their tongues explored each other's mouth, both their bodies getting hot and needy.

"Honey," Duo said momentarily braking the kiss, "Do you think we should have told her that Trowa's having a threesome with Quatre and Wufei tonight?" 

Heero dreamily replied, "Don't worry…someone will tell her…"

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Fini.

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Author's notes:

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Duo: Hey I was actually quite a bitch in this fic.

FT: You're a bitch cos I'm a bitch when it comes to Relena.

Duo: Hey calm down, I wasn't complaining or anything…oh and readers if ya got this far, please review.

FT: You gotta do it now, Duo's told you!

Duo: I'm just your slave aren't I, completely at your beck and call?

FT: I wish.

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	2. Attack of the Killer Blancmange

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Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or any of it's characters. Sue me and all you get is my Blade of the Immortal collection…my most prized possessions.

Notes: The sequel to 'The Day the Blancmange Crumbled', thank you Midnight Shinigami for the idea, even tho I feel as always, the Sequel is not as good as the first…oh well. Please read and review.

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The Attack of the Killer Blancmange.

By

FreeThinker

  
Relena was running down the path away from Heero and Duo. How could he betray her like that? After so long loving her? Her brow furrowed. Several of her pink bows had come undone, her pink frilled shoe stepped on a lose ribbon and she tripped.  


The pink frilled tea cosy rolled around on the path; desperately trying to get it's petty coats under control. Relena sat on her knees eventually, reaching for her pink handbag.  
  
Just then, she heard it.  
  
"Oh Duo!"  
  
"Oh Heero, screw me harder!"  
  
Relena clutched the handbag to her laced chest; her French manicured fingernails making scratches in the polished pink leather. Her expression was hard, if Heero didn't want her; she would find someone else. A smile spread across the baby doll face. She'd have Trowa.  
  
Trowa was a perfect gentleman, she thought standing up, and walked to her car with all the dainty grace she could. Trowa would know how to treat a lady.  
  
Relena reached her pink Roles-Royce, and got in. The car started, she put it into reverse and the car screeched as she quickly done a 180-degree turn. The gears churned as she jumped from 1st to 4th.  
  
She had difficulty with her heeled shoe, but she managed to push the accelerator down hard.  
  
Trowa would understand, he'd be her prince.  
  
'Why isn't this car going any faster?' She gritted her teeth as she pushed the car to 5th gear, almost forgetting the clutch.  
  
~*~  
  
She was outside Trowa's modest house, and she stepped out of the car, smoothing her dress and hair. Relena tried daintily to walk up to the house, and rang the doorbell.  
  
No answer.  
  
'This is of the utmost importance' she rationalised 'I must seek my handsome prince at this moment.'  
  
With this the pink candy pushed open the unlocked door, and went inside Trowa's house. A quick search of the downstairs revealed no one, and so she made her way upstairs.  
  
When Relena got to the top of the stairs, she could hear a muffled sound coming from one of the rooms.  
  
'Oh my Trowa must be hard at work...keeping his sleek body in shape' she mused as she pushed open the door.  
  
What sight that greeted her, was Trowa, Quatre and Wufei, all involved in a human sandwich on the bed...Trowa was on top, thrusting into a costumed Quatre, who was in turn, giving head to Wufei. They were all blushed and oblivious to the pink Jelly's presence.  
  
They continued to moan and grunt as Relena stared at the orgy.  
  
"Troooowa!" Relena screeched, all 3 of the boys instantly looking up at the source of the inhuman cry.  
  
"Troowa, how could you!" The pink iced fancy cried.  
  
The heavy arms pilot was open-mouthed staring at Relena in mid-thrust. All activity on the bed had stopped, and he said "W-what are you doing here?"  
  
"I've come to check up on you my fiancé, and I catch you doing this?" To this Trowa looked panicked, looking at the other two partners begging for some release to the pink trifle's clutches.  
  
Wufei grew impatient "Stop your babbling woman, this is no place for you. Go away so I can get some good head."  
  
The fairy princess scowled as she looked at the heap. She reached into her handbag, and pulled out a magnum handgun. She lifted the gun, and aimed at the 3 stunned boys. "No, I'm not going anywhere, and neither are you."  
  
~*~  
  
The balance of power had changed, and now each of the 3 pilots were tied with pink ribbon to chairs, all in a row in the bedroom.  
  
Trowa and Wufei were still naked, but Quatre sat between them in gauzy Arabian princess costume.  
  
Relena stood in front of them all, waving the gun around as she paced up and down the room. The boys kept their eyes on that gun.  
  
"Do you know what Heero told me this night?"  
  
Wufei rolled his eyes, "Let me guess, he told you he was gay?"  
  
The pink candyfloss scowled even more, "He told me he was...one of you people!" The others in the chairs jumped as she gestured to them with the gun.  
  
Relena continued "After the news I decided on my new prince...only to discover this!"  
  
Luckily the veil hid Quatre's blush.  
  
"Why is it that every guy I like is...like you lot?!"  
  
Trowa perked up, "Because being around you would drive any guy to homosexuality?"  
  
The pink ribbon ball's fingers clutched the gun tighter; it's knuckles growing white. Finally it spoke up; "Well what's wrong with me? I'm a princess, everyone should love me!"  
  
This time Quatre answered her question, "Because you're a whiney spoilt little brat-bitch, that's only ever had her ass kissed?" The other two naked guys nodded in agreement.  
  
The pink Jell-O's mouth curled up in distaste of the words spoke. She screamed "I'm not a whiney spoilt little bitch, I'm a princess, no I'm actually Queen of…"  
  
WHUMP.  
  
The blancmange fell to the floor and stayed there down for the count. Just behind where she had stood was Duo, holding her pink handbag, after just smashing the back of Relena's head with it. He put the straps onto the crook of his arm and said "Doesn't she ever shut up?"  
  
~*~  
  
Heero stood back from his handiwork, Relena was now firmly tied to chair using half a dozen ribbons. For good measure, he tied another to gag her.  
  
Duo said, "Good work honey, must be all that practice you've been getting with me" he winked at Heero.  
  
All the rest of the pilots had been freed, and allowed to get to some sort of dress. They all stared at the still pink candy.  
  
"Injustice!" Wufei finally said, "Before she came I was getting good head!" The blond and the long fringed boys sadly nodded.  
  
Heero strode over to the king-sized bed, and sat down on it. He felt the ruffled silk sheets "hnn...I wonder how many people this bed could take."  
  
Quatre said, "It was doing fine with 3 people."  
  
Duo started grinning even more, "Oh is that so."  
  
~*~  
  
Relena started coming to, trying to move her arms, but finding she couldn't move anything. She groggily opened her eyes, and saw the grunting and groaning of the activities on the bed. Her eyes widened as she saw both of her former 'fiancée's' doing acts she'd never even dreamt of.

The blancmange tried to scream, but the gag being tight enough to stop the scream. She rocked and screamed in the chair.

But it done nothing to attract attention and Relena was forced to watch the 5-way orgy…someone would notice that she had woken up…eventually…  


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Fini

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Additional Author Notes:

Duo: What's this obsession with Blancmange?

FT: Relena is a blancmange…all wet, wobbly, sickly sweet and most of the time…Pink.

Duo: I take it you don't like blancmange?

FT: No. No I don't.


End file.
